SmartReMarxcom

I’m not a big fan of niceties. You know, the hellos/how are yous/how’s it goings. It’s one thing to be genuinely interested the welfare/going-ons of a person you care about. It’s another thing altogether to put on a show of politeness when you secretly hope the person will leave as quickly as their fleet little feet will carry them.

But while I’m not a big fan of social pretense, I have learned its value under many circumstances. I have seen social experts wield civility like a broadsword, cutting a swath through a crowd of well-wishers to push on without looking rude. I have seen civility come from a genuine place of concern for strangers. It can defuse a tense situation, worsen a uncomfortable silence, and signal the end of an exchange. In the right hands, it is an all-powerful weapon. In the inept hands, it can be a disaster.

I learned the art of social nicety from a woman at my synagogue before I was old enough to truly appreciate her craftsmanship. She worked you with the “hello, how are yous” and had moved on to another congregant before you had time to so much as say “I am fine.” But so delicate was her approach, that you still had the wisp of a smile on your face even as she walked away.

When I was younger, even into my early twenties, I never really understood the function of social grace. When I asked someone “how was your weekend?” it was because I wanted to know what they did over the weekend. If I didn’t want to hear about your weekend, I just never brought it up. When I said “thank you” to someone, it was because they did something for me for which I was thankful. I used “how are you?” even more sparingly. I could count on two hands the number of people whom I would care about how they answered that question. The inverse of that was when people asked me “how are you?” I inevitably told them exactly how I was.  I naively assumed they wanted to know.

At restaurants, and really in any customer service endeavor, it is typically incumbent on the waiter to keep up the facade of politeness. I appreciate the ones who can maintain a semblance of manners without pushing the boundaries into pretense. Because while I think courtesy is an important aspect of customer service (especially for those courting tips), if you ask me “how was your meal?” you best be prepared to hear the real answer.

More than once, I shocked a server by answering truthfully, “Yeah, it wasn’t very good.” More often than not, the server is surprised to hear it. I don’t believe that what I said was interpreted as an insult so much that in saying so, I destroyed any pretense that we all just friends, hanging out, eating and drinking. Instead, you’re a waiter, I’m the customer and this meal sucks.

Social pretense is a square dance. Everyone learns their steps, and then cuts from partner to partner using the moves to keep the dance going. Someone steps on a toe, forgets the next step, or is just clumsy, it throws the entire arrangement out of whack. But whether it’s flawless or not, the dancers move across the stage in an endless sequence of sets.

All of this also applies just as much to the office. It’s made more imperative because these are people you see every single day for years. You can build relationships through niceties and destroy ties just as easily. That was a tough lesson for me. I can be unfailingly polite when I set my mind to it, but it was years in the workforce before it became rote to mind my please and thank yous and greet everyone with a “hi, how are you?” But unlike the waiter, I genuinely come to like most of the people I work with. And the ones I don’t like, I still can’t bring myself to offer more than a perfunctory “hey, what’s up?” as I’m walking by, keeping my fleet feet moving so as to avoid any implication that an answer is required.

It would be easier, of course, if we could just say what’s on our minds, which in all likelihood would diminish social pretense and probably wipe out please and thank you altogether. But if there is one thing I have learned, it’s that niceties serve an important function of keeping the dance moving, whether we mean the nice things or not.

In the fight over the state’s budget, California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is ready to pay state employees federal minimum wage if the democrats and republications don’t resolve their differences. The problem? Federal minimum wage is at $6.55, $1.45 less than California’s state minimum wage. Schwarzenegger wants to punish the lowest workers on the state food chain because the politicians can’t get their shit together?

This might fall into a only-in-California category. Or maybe it belongs in only-Schwarzenegger-could-come-up-with-this-plan. President Schwarzenegger: “I was elected to *lead*, not to *read*.”

The state is facing a reported $15 billion deficit as of July 1 (yes, apparently they do know it’s July 24.) If Schwarzenegger’s solution is put in action, the reduction in pay would be temporary, and their regular salaries would be fully restored when a budget is signed. Also as part of the executive order, the state would freeze hiring of non-essential positions and implement layoffs of temporary positions the likes of interns and contractors.

Even with the potential cost savings of Schwarzenegger’s plan (estimates put the savings as high as $500 million per month), it would take most of August to execute the order, by which point the governor is hoping that a budget will have been approved.

All kidding aside, Schwarzenegger’s solution is clearly a feint. Cutting pay wages on the lowest state earners is insidious even for Mr. Freeze. Schwarzenegger knows he needs to play nice with his constituents if he wants to win a Senate seat in 2010.

It’s called tomalley, a delicacy to some, but the Massachusetts Department of Public Health says it might be too much of a good thing. The pasty green goo in the body of lobsters isn’t like the chewy center of the lollipop. It’s actually where high levels of toxins from the Bay make their final resting place. Eat high enough doses and risk paralytic shellfish poisoning, with symptoms ranging from nausea, abdominal pain, and burning (okay, I’ll bite, burning where?) a bit like the symptoms you get after your sixth black and tan.

The warning comes after summer of red tide, an accumulation of algae that produce natural toxins that threaten marine life and our seafood supply chain. Red tide is popular around Maine.

I am not a negative thinker.

Just repeating the affirmation to yourself may improve your day to day outlook. In fact, so-called stress experts offer that the best recipe for negative thinking is…thinking positive! The experts estimate that upwards of 80% of our daily thoughts are downbeat and all that negative thinking is straining our individual and societal health.

I am not a negative thinker.

Myself, I have on occasion been accused of wallowing in the negative. I’m shocked. Shocked, I say, that someone would meet me and think I wasn’t all sunshine and marigolds. Do I unknowingly spend 80% of my daily allocation of thoughts on damaging, discouraging, unhealthy thinking? Who? Me?

I am not a negative thinker.

We live in a negative-rich environment. So while the individual must take responsibility for their own outlook, the fact is it’s hard to maintain a positive attitude living in modern society. Think about ways that our negative state is perpetuated. Many of us spend our days in the office, dealing with detestable, back-stabbing, self-serving coworkers, clueless bosses and impersonal senior management. Our lives are more media-rich. We are exposed to many more negative images through the media, and our sources for such are vast between television networks, personal blogs and podcasts, newspapers and radio. News is now 24/7 which heightens our awareness of the conditions and deteriorations of our neighbors, our nation and our world. We are jacked up by continuous jolts of coffee, soda and energy drinks. Stimulants keep our body racing, our central nervous system on overdrive, kind of like revving your engine to get up that hill but then never shifting back down to a lower gear.

These factors, each taken on its own, are not overwhelming circumstances. But taken together, compounded by many other substantial stressors of economic, political and financial import, is it any wonder that we spend so much of our time in the negative? Stress, anxiety and worry are cumulative and cyclical. How the hell are we supposed to stay positive when the world keeps beating us down and down and down!

I am not a negative thinker.

Despite what you may take away from this article, I don’t consider myself a negative person. I am definitely a cynic; I like to question things. I like to question people’s motives and understand how they make decisions. I like to try and perceive the world through their eyes, see what they see.

But if you accused me of being a negative thinker? Yeah, I can buy that. Assuming you can make a distinction between thinking negative and being a negative person (I already hear naysayers firing up their keyboard to leave comments after this post. Go for it, I dare you!) But just let me make my argument first.

Some people exude negativity. They don’t like their jobs or they don’t like their apartment. Their bosses are always jerks and people always treat them unfairly. They can’t perceive the value in even little things, whether at work, at home, on the subway, in the grocery store. Bordering on paranoia, everyone and everything beats down on them.

On the other hand, sometimes people are in a negative space for perfectly legitimate reasons, usually temporary or stimulated by a specific stressor.

If you accept the distinction, a negative person then is defined by the former definition. I, myself, can also believe the almost clinical deduction that we are spending a grossly disproportionate amount of time thinking negative. Maybe 80%? (Does it make me a negative person to say so?) If nothing else, there is a lot of negative energy that is a package deal of modern living.

I don’t consider myself a negative person because I don’t think everything in my life sucks. But I do think it sometimes takes a conscious effort to push aside the negative and embrace the positive. Isn’t that true for most of us?

Well, assuming I am either a negative thinker or (if you must) a negative person, what’s a person to do?

Practice Daily Affirmation
And while you’re at it, turn that frown upside down. Just the conscious act of smiling can force you to consider life in the positive.

Lay off the Caffeine
A laudable notion, easier to never have begun to begin with.

Take a Deep Breath
I don’t know if this works but it’s a cheap and easy way to address negativity. The theory goes that as we grow older, we stop breathing from our abdomen and begin breathing exclusively from our throat. Maybe just consciously taking a deep breath can reinforce a positive vibe.

Detox from the stimulation
Turn off the TV, unplug the laptop, etc. This is probably healthy to do once in a while for any number of reasons.

And the obvious one, and the hardest to accomplish, is
Remove the source of stress

Here’s the thing, whether I am a negative thinker or just perceived as a negative person (no, I’m not backing off that one) I think it’s a great idea to work towards a more positive outlook. If that means using all five of these suggestions or coming up with others, I think it is a great plan. In defiance of a world that continues to beat us down, we should rise up, breath deeply, unplug, detox and say to ourselves, as often as necessary

I am not a negative thinker

until it’s true.